Full Disclosure

I know that a few people read my blog (and I do think it is quite few - and mostly my good, or somewhat good, friends) - but honestly, I write it mostly for myself.  I like to look back (back to the days of Xanga - my first blog experience... back when I actually wrote a post and called it a "weblog" - ha!) and see where I've been, what I was doing, and just what was going on in life in general.  It's fun after a few years have passed to look back and reminisce.  And I feel I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention what's been going on in our lives the past few months.  In fear of appearing as though I were soliciting pity, please know that I'm not looking for attention.  And while I obviously wouldn't be offended by your kind words, it is absolutely not necessary (I know you would be thinking it anyway, without saying a thing - so you're good!) - I'm doing quite well in general, but just feel the need to get some things off my chest and just be honest... so here goes.

Some people already know (though most do not), that Tim and I decided we wanted to start a family not too long ago - and since that decision, have had two (yes, two - ugh.) miscarriages.  It's one of those things that you just assume happens to "other" people, but you never really imagine it will happen to you.  And you certainly don't imagine that it will happen to you twice - I know I didn't.  I guess I'm writing about it for two reasons:  I really just want to purge the feelings inside, and also - if anyone reading has happened to have had the same experience (or reads it now, and then experiences it sometime in the future), I want them to feel that they are not alone.  I know that I often feel that talking about it is taboo - that it is not to be talked about, kind of like of "He Who Must Not Be Named."  ...we all know it exists, but nobody will talk about it, which makes it really hard for those who are going through it.  To feel that you are alone and have nobody to talk to (and if you do bring it up, it just invokes a very sad conversation... and who wants to be the reason for that?), can be quite isolating and difficult for your emotional recovery.  

So... yeah.  I just wanted to put it out there.  I just wanted to say that is sucks.  And that's about as eloquent as it gets folks.  It just really sucks.  I know that some people feel a profound sorrow when they miscarry, but honestly I have just felt complete and utter disappointment.  I just feel like so much excitement and hope for the future was dashed.  Twice.  And I'm trying reeeeally hard not to be pessimistic (because usually I am ever the optimist, and I like that about me... it depresses me to be too much of a realist!), but it's hard.  It's hard not to fret and wonder if this is how it's going to be - pregnant, lose the baby; pregnant, lose the baby.  And I know that many people will tell me to lean on God and to pray... but I'm just not ready for that.  I just want to wallow a bit more.

Anyway... I guess I don't have much else to say.  Other than to say that sometimes I feel like I am A-ok, and other times I just feel like a total mess.  Right now would be one of the total mess times... which is why I decided to write about it.  I feel like I have suppressed a lot of what I've been feeling for fear of dwelling or not being able to move on... and I just feel the need to admit - this sucks.  This is a hard time.  This is also somewhat common (at least for it to happen once).  Other people have dealt with this - and will deal with this in the future.  This is not the end of the world (or the end of this particular journey we are are on) - but it is sad.  And it's okay to be sad.  Everything doesn't always have to be perky and happy and "yay!"

And finally, if you're wondering what to do or say - you can just pray for us.  Pray for peace, and pray for the ability for me to pray again at all - because right now I just feel a little numb to it all.  :/  And if you are dealing with the same thing - you can most definitely talk to me.  Honestly, it feels so good to talk about it, and to not feel like you are left to try to sort it out on your own.

Happy 2012 everyone - may it bring us all much joy and happiness - whether it is what we "planned" for or not!  If you are reading this, then I probably love you... so... I love you!  Be thankful for what you have and hopeful for the future.

Goodnight my friends!  ...and goodnight future Jenny - who will totally read this in a few years and will have forgotten writing it in the first place.  :)